The boys spent the night with Maw-Maw Pam last night and spent the day with her today. I worked this deal with the ex, because Sam had Soccer Jamboree Saturday, which cut into the ex's visitation weekend. I picked up the boys at 9pm. Josiah is sick (croupy cough, phlegm, threw up twice because of phlegm, up all night with him), and Sam is bouncing off the walls from all of the JUNK available to him at Maw-Maw's. There are really good things about that family, but some of their ways chap my ass as well. Things like sunscreen, car seats (their Dad came to the Soccer Jamboree in Rock Hill to pick them up WITHOUT A CAR SEAT for Josiah - he is still in the size range for a 5 point harness..then he acted PISSY when we insisted he use ours, and Mike took so long securing it correctly in his truck..OH! And while Mike is doing this, the ex tells me, as he smokes a cigarette, that Aunt 'Chelle is giving him her prescription meds to stop smoking....so we are a) taking someone else's prescription which is illegal, b) taking a mind-altering prescription while NOT under the care of a physician that can make you violent, and c) still smoking....), and a healthy diet mean very little to them, but mean very much to me. I do not shelter my children from the world, but I'm also not going to invite them to sit down and watch an R rated movie with me, nor do they have free reign over the cable stations. Sam & Josiah watched Step Brother at Maw-Maws, and Sam came home quoting lines, something like, "suck a camel's d***".... Nice. Oh, and even NICER..."Aunt 'Chelle got a new puppy! It's a Pit Bull! She said she picked that one because it doesn't like black boys." When Sam told me this, I asked, "Why would she want a dog that doesn't like black boys, Sam?" (I don't know.) "That doesn't sound very nice, Sam. So the dog wouldn't like Shaimeek or Lorenon? Your dearest friends? Does she want the dog to hurt black boys? Why only black boys?" (Sam makes the connection and states that no, this is not cool of Aunt 'Chelle at all....Mom - 1, White Trash - 0).... ( A few visitations ago, the boys told me that Paw-Paw was using the "n"-word and laughing about it. ) I listen to a lot of hip-hop and R&B, and every time Sam gets in the truck when I pick him up from visitation, he starts reprimanding me, "Why do you listen to that Hip-Hop stuff? Put it on Country!" But three days later he will be dancing to my music. It's good to know I have someone that loves my children enough to feed them poison, neglect to secure them in car seats & seat belts, neglect to apply and re-apply sunscreen, expose them to ignorant talk, and model hatred and prejudice. If something should happen to me, these are the hands my boys would fall into. This scares the hell out of me.
I have to stay focused and try to discover what the Universe is trying to teach me with this, or I will blow my stack. How could anyone not want the very best for their children and grandchildren? For all children?
The venting paragraph is like vomit spewing everywhere....but it's raw.
ReplyDeleteThe Universe is giving your children a crash course in dichotomous thinking. You can't get any more obvious in the cost/benefit scale than what they experience at your house, versus what they experience with their father's family. He will either (eventually) step up, or fall by the wayside, as the boys become more aware of their own feelings & desires, and start acting on them by disagreeing or pulling away.
ReplyDeleteAs I told my children from the beginning of my separation & divorce: you will go to your father's for visitation, so that you will have an opportunity to create a relationship with him (or not) based on your own personal experience, not colored or controlled by me or my presence. You cannot get a genuine idea of the person he is if I am present.
After the first 6 months of every-other-month visits, the 2 oldest came up to me and said "We figured out what kind of person he is and we don't like him, do we still have to go?"
Unfortunately, I had to say "yes, you still have to go" LOL
But over the years, the visits have dwindled to once-a-month, and now we are down to every 6 weeks or so. Hoping in another half-year, the visits will stop altogether.
We do a lot of role-playing before they go and when they come home (if he says/does this, what can you say/do to make sure your feelings are known?) and we talk a lot about how other people view the world differently, and how that works (or doesn't) for those people.
Though I do not fear for my children's physical safety because they are older than yours, and can make age-appropriate decisions (eg: not to eat a food they know has an allergen), I am aware that my oldest continued to go on visitation a year longer than she was required to, so she could watch out for her sisters, and step in when necessary. And I know my middle daughter is now doing the same thing for my youngest.
I know you have mentioned that visitation is up to you, and that you choose to do it every other weekend. I also know that you likely do this to get some "down time".... at some point you will have to assess the risks versus benefits of continuing to allow them to have unsupervised visits. If they are liking their time with him, and coming home relatively unscathed (I've seen your boys in action, so I cannot say "in one piece") I would say maybe pack a few healthy snacks in their bags, so they can have a choice, but otherwise, if they are OK, and they are coming home whole, anything being "done to" or "said to" them can be un-done via your consistent love and homelife. Your boys are smart kids. And they are just kids. Give them some time, they will eventually see what's going on, without you harping on it unnecessarily.
(as an aside, I would have handled the black-boy-eating-dog thing a little differently - I would have said something like "Oh, gosh, then we will never be able to offer to babysit this dog, since it might eat your friends X and X. That would sure make me sad to lose your friends." but I speak to my kids differently than you do your boys, and that might have been a little too subtle..... because I can hear Josiah or Sam saying "oh we just won't invite our friends over"... which would have lead ME into saying - "dogs don't differentiate skin color, what if the dog mistakes a very tan YOU for a little black boy?" but I am the evil mom, so there you go... maybe that should be my blog "The Evil Mom")